Going For The Gold

Oh. It’s Sunday! How do I feel about Sundays? They are without a doubt my favorite day of the week. What do I like about them? On a normal week, Sunday is my only “day off”.

I’m a freelance maker of films. I often set my own schedule. And protect my Sundays. Sundays are like a precious heirloom from my Meemaw. I avoid firm commitments on Sundays. I play Sundays by ear. I try and use Sundays as an opportunity to restore myself from the past week, and to prepare myself for the upcoming week. I have breakfast with my girlfriend. I read the paper. I watch a documentary. I work in the garden.

They go way too fast though.

Right now, I feel anxious. I’ve jumped around to a few different browser tabs and lost my way on this blog entry. I’m aware of my Sunday passing. I’m not sure what time is it, and it’s going. By 6 pm, I’m often wondering (worrying) “Have I done anything of value with this day?”

Being a freelancer for so long (my last 9 to 5 gig was in 2011) sometimes makes it hard to know the difference between a day off and a day “on”.

What is “on” though? “On” is not just a feeling. “On” is me sitting at my writing desk, working on pages. “On” is setting up a meeting by email, pursuing a business interest on the phone. Every moment I’m not doing these things, I feel like I should be. The stress of this constant thought distorts my bottom line values. These feelings don’t give, they take. Some days, I don’t even know how to gauge value though because I’ve got a distorted bottom line.

This is how a train of thought unravels.

“If everywhere you go, you’re taking your past with you, you can never take that next step.” – Vicki Iovine in The Defiant Ones.

When I left my last 9 to 5, I gave myself two years to make “it” happen or I would do what certain people want and expect me to do, which is work 8 hours a day, 40 hours a week, and get all my benefits. There is a credibility that comes with someone else paying you. That credibility is important to some people. I get that. I’m attempting to establish credibility with myself. Not with anyone else. And if I’ve had a busy week, I find it easier to relax on Sunday. This week, I had three shoots. I wrote everyday. It was a productive week, but it could have been more productive. It could have been busier.

So, this Sunday, I’m still gonna watch Game of Thrones with my girlfriend, read the newspaper, get in the garden, and I’m gonna be “on” too. Going for the gold.



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